The sense of the past

"Can you one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss?"

Accepting that all you worked for has gone, and there is nothing you can to that can bring it back, is much harder than walking for 30 km a day without food. As I did for seven days this september.

i think, as engineer, of the law of conservation of mass, and i wander... where, all we built up in these two years and half, have gone? It should be somewhere. It cannot have just disappeared all of a sudden.
when you build up a relationship with a friend, every moment or word will remain as a cornerstone in your friendship. Why now is it so different?
I look into myself and i see a bare landscape of a destroyed city. It seems like after a war, where there is nothing than ruins. All the work of the man has been destroyed by the man itself. How can this be possible? I don't dare believe it. It is something u cannot explain, u can't understand. The question of these days is "What is the sense of the past spent together?"
I blame myself for not understanding. I'm sure that if i understood, i would feel better. If i want to understand i have to change my point of view. Looking at the same world with different eyes, That is wisdom. Sorry, but for the moment i can't.

The Paradise Lost

I was told "if you want something, just go and get it". I don't think it is true. Sometimes you have just have patience and wait, because it is not everything based on our own will. In this moment i would like to go to take what was mine, but i can't. I can't because her heart looks towards another direction. This blog was born to deal with philosophical isses, more than personal problem, but my whole mind has just one tought.
I don't know what has happened in the last weeks, but in these days, wandering all around this delightful town i slowly changed my mind. I don't know how it is possible, but it is.
We have just given up. Everything seemed fine until now. But now it is different. I look deeply into the eyes of girls in here, but I cannot find in anybody else what i was able to find in hers.

This is one of the most difficult period of my life.
I talked to her, and this helped me. This night i didn't sleep well, or better, i hardly closed my eyes. I thought all the time, about everything. My mind was a flood, a storm, a hurricane.
I realized that it is impossible to survive without a Hope. If there is no hope, your mind will create it, in order to survive. Even against every connection with the real world, you will hope anyway.
That's what i tought yesterday night (this and many other things). In this moment i need an hope, and even if i searched everywhere, i don't find any other hope than her. In this earthquake of feelings i sometime have a brief instant of light. If I am rational i can realize that she has already gone. There's no way now. If I think how the way actually is, i really don't know how stuff can work out. No way at all.

It's hard to have a long distance relationship. A relationship is staying together. Maybe reading a different book in the same room, silently.
In the last year our relationship was based on spending one hour per day chatting on skype.
You start talking, then you discuss and at the end you argue. If you just talk all the time you often make the mistake of trying to solve all the problem in a moment. Whereas you should take your time, and solving problems one by one. Relaxing, breathing, hugging, sometimes talking, but first of all staying together.
In the last year we just talked (a lot) about the way of staying together. If things doesn't change, all these discussion will turn in a wasting of energy.
We have met, in the last year, just six times. An average of one every two months. Even if i staied there longer in march (a couple of weeks), six times a year is simply too few. Our relationship was frozen, waiting for a spring, that in our mind should have been arriving soon.
I still hope, against every evidence.

Here in Cambridge

Ok, I promised to update my blog in english and i didn't. I do apologize with everyone surfed on my page really hoping to find something different. I am sorry even because something different has happened in my life, expecially in the last summer: i left my job, my girlfriend left me, i take part to a "Goum" and i am in Cambridge now. In cambridge, yes, to improve my fucking low level of english.
Summary of the last two days. I had my luggage lost (wonderful Alitalia!!!) at the Heatrow airport. For this reason I arrived extremely late in the evening in the house where i'll be guest in the next month. I had class today: pretty good as first day. Now i definitely have to find a bike (as cheap as possible) and as soon as possible too. I'll let you know...